Monthly Archives: February 2012

Morning Smoothies – How I Have Every Intention of Making Them, But Eventually Let the Produce Rot in My Fridge and Instead Drink Massive Amounts of Black Coffee Until Lunch or Until My Stomach Eats Itself From the Inside, Whichever Comes First

Smoothies have become the meal short-hand for Everything Good and Healthy.  You get the right combo of fruit and yogurt and juice and seeds and supplements and whatever else you can shove into a blender, and smoothies won’t just feed you, they will change your life. Make you healthy. Give you clear skin and the kind of bouncy shiny hair that only women who really love Jesus seem to possess. They make life easy! A nutritional breakfast at the push of a button! They’ll remind you to take out the trashcans on garbage day! They’ll separate your lights and your darks! They’ll improve your sex life, credit score, and flexibility!

But……yeeeah. No. Despite my efforts, I just can’t function enough first thing in the morning to throw crap in a blender and hit a button. I’m surprised on a daily basis that I manage to get myself dressed and to work.  I have, on more than one occasion, been walking to the bus stop and had a slight panic attack, thinking I had forgotten to put on pants that day. (Note: I have never forgotten my pants. My wallet, bus pass, and phone, however, are a different story.)

The one thing I do manage to do in the morning is find cheap coffee. And I do it well. Normally, this means drinking plain, straight coffee. Until, I found a loophole.

The campus recycling program at my work had a surplus of travel mugs from last year that they’ve been trying to get rid of.  (Now, you would think that a program whose focus is on lowering waste and conservation would maybe think before printing the date on eleventy billion coffee mugs if they weren’t sure they were going to sell them all. Or, you know, just leave the date off it completely so you could reuse them? But I digress)

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Random State University – Not thinking about future costs, since 1913.

If you bought one of the mugs from last year for $2, you could fill it with any drink for free. Which means I can take my mug o’ the past to the on-campus coffee shop and get the most elaborate, expensive coffee drink for free. Which, it turns out, costs about $6.

Booyah, $4 saved AND I remembered to put on my pants.

The free drink, though, was only applicable to when you first bought the mug; if you took it back for refills, you were stuck paying full price. But, there was no limit on how many mugs you can purchase.

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I saved $12 and a local thrift store will soon be three mugs richer!

Psh, smoothies my ass.

Moments When a Soundtrack is Desperately Missed

Today at work, I changed the bottle on the water cooler all by myself, without spilling a drop.

If you think this made me feel like a mother-fucking badass, you would be correct. The only way the moment could have been better was if this song were playing in the background:

Why I hope web searches aren’t being monitored.

Things I have Googled while at work:

– “DJ Skat Kat”
– “‘Just a flesh wound’ bandages”
– “Object under Baltic Sea”
– A variety of health symptoms *
– “You want a toe?”
– “Serial killer definition”

* All searches resulted in cancers that were going to kill me immediately.

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